The Tides Will Change Part I

I always feel like I am lying or trying to avoid the conversation around what happened to my marriage, even though I am not. I feel awkward bringing it up. Is it appropriate to share the realities of what I have been through? Will I be judged or even worse...? pitied? It's such a touchy subject and one that is not easy to be open about. Especially when you're terrified it could somehow get back to your ex! It's a real fear, BUT I have realized I need to share my story. I need to share my journey. I need to show the beauty in the messiness. Not just for me, but for every woman out there who is living real life. Real life with all its beauty, love, incredible messiness and hardships. I need to share so that no one feels like they are alone in the realities of parenthood, marriage, separation, divorce and just everyday life.

So, I’ll jump into it right now! I met him back when I was 20. We ended up being best friends and doing everything together. We started dating…but to be honest, I couldn’t tell you the exact date because it just seemed like a natural progression. I mean we were always together anyway. In hindsight this was red flag number 1. Anyway, things progressed, and we got engaged and ended up being married in April 2010 when I was 24 years old. I was happy and loved being married. I was so excited to be a wife and have a family one day. I was so caught up in always pleasing my husband and making sure his every need was met. I needed for him to be happy and content always. I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to live up to his expectations. I would later learn some hard lessons from this: Another Red Flag!

Anyway, I got pregnant with my first child in March of 2011 and had him in December of the same year. It was by no means an easy pregnancy, but other than being so sick I lost weight, I can’t really complain. While I was pregnant, I realized I was more excited than my ex. I was planning and preparing for our family alone. I understood that we weren’t in the best place financially. And after I left the relationship, I found out it was more than just financially. Anyway, during this time I wasn’t working because I was pregnant, and no one would hire me. So, we had to rely on a single income. It was hard, but we managed. God took care of everything and provided me a job at Belkin House in Vancouver as a Legal Administrative Assistant. Because of this job, I was able to qualify for Maternity Leave: a real answer to prayer. I ended up having to quit work early due to high blood pressure and the risks to my unborn baby due to it. I guess taking public transit from Surrey into Downtown Vancouver everyday would cause anyone’s blood pressure to skyrocket. Oh, the things I saw on my travels to and from work. But that’s a story for another day.

When my first son was born, I was the happiest I’d ever been. The labor and everything that happened during that 6 hours was worth it. I truly believed, after my son was born, things would change with my ex. He would no longer be distant. He would be just as excited and happy as I was. All he needed was to hold our son. I was mistaken. Things just plugged along, and I put on a brave face. I was determined to have the happy life I had dreamed of. All the while questioning everything and wondering if I’d made a mistake. I really believe every relationship has their hard times and if you talk about it, the two people in the relationship could figure it out. And I thought we were on the mend after our conversations where I poured my heart out to him.

About 15 months after the birth of my son, I became pregnant again. This time seemed different. We were both so happy and excited for the addition. We found out we were having another baby boy and couldn’t have been happier. I had my second son in February of 2014…the day after the Supper Bowl. Yes, my son was gracious enough to let me watch the Super Bowl before I had to make the trip to the hospital. This little nugget came in 1 hour and was known by the nurses as Baby Hulk. We were now a family of 4 and I felt like things couldn’t have been better. I felt loved and supported. However, this would end quickly.