The 'A' Word

I struggle with Anxiety!!! Yes, the dreaded ‘A word.’ Unlike a lot of people out there, I’m not afraid of it. I’ve come to terms with it and yes, take the appropriate steps to avoid the feared panic attacks. However, lately for one reason or another, anxiety has reared its ugly head and is taking over my life again. Some days, it’s manageable; but most days it’s debilitating.

Since mental health is so important and not taboo in my house, I’ve decided to share what anxiety looks like for me and how it affects my life. Anxiety is not a one size fits all label. It’s more like an umbrella which covers so many different things and affects every person differently. Anxiety for me, may be similar to someone else with anxiety; but it never actually is experienced the exact same way. The outcome is always the same though: debilitating and life affecting.

Anxiety causes me to seem scattered, forgetful, inattentive, and regularly distracted. It controls with all sorts of thoughts and worries causing my focus and attention to be on things of the future instead of present. Sometimes I find it so hard to focus on conversations, even though I have the sincerest desire to be fully present with you.

Anxiety causes me to always be on guard for danger. This stems from my past relationship coupled with anxiety. This pushes me to jump to the worst-case scenario in a single, almighty bound. I come across as extremely negative, but it’s more about me being extra careful and wanting to avoid trouble in the future. Because of this ‘negativity’ or need to be extra careful, I have developed bad habits to self-soothe when anxiety flares up. Some of these have become compulsive such as checking locks. I have also developed some physical habits, such as nail biting, hair twirling and skin picking (at my fingers). There have been times I’ve made my fingers bleed by picking the skin off. I also use food as a coping mechanism. I’m working hard to change this, and it’s a work in progress. I have yet to find a ‘healthy’ coping strategy that works and has become a habit.

What I find most people don’t understand is social interactions. For me, anxiety hits one of two ways: the silence that grips me when I’m nervous in a group of people, or with one person, OR the verbal diarrhea that erupts from my mouth thanks to nerves. I never know which one is going to show up at any given time, but they both cause serious stress and torture me. In most situations, I’ll either say absolutely nothing and look for reasons to escape or I won’t shut up and I’ll say stupid things. Just knowing this about me, makes it so I avoid social situations for fear of being awkward and/or embarrassing. This can happen when the days gone completely normal or not. It’s usually because my brain is still obsessing over something that happened days ago. When I’m not stuck in this horrible anxious cycle, I can articulate it very well and I know exactly what causes my anxiety (for the most part). However, when I’m in the midst of the cycle, I’m useless and can’t articulate anything. I’m just caught up in it and feel helpless and overwhelmed.

For some reason, people think anxiety makes a person avoid all social contact at all times, without realizing that it actually varies. Each person with anxiety has different triggers; some may be total hermits and others like me, can be totally outgoing in some social encounters but shy and introverted in others. It’s a confusing mess most of the time, which fuels my anxiety even more.

I always fear that I seem aloof to outsiders, but I’m the warmest person you’ll ever meet. What looks like aloofness, is actually me standing back and taking things in until I feel comfortable and safe enough. I just don’t feel the need to open up straight away, and that’s okay. It’s a strategy I use because of a past relationship: a damaging one. Trust me, once the walls do go down, it’ll be worth it! I have a wonderfully strong and vibrant mind and when there’s a decision to be made, I tend to think of all the different angles before coming to a conclusion or decision. With that said, anxiety can make decision-making more difficult. For me, it looks like I have trouble deciding, planning, weighting up consequences and organising thoughts in logical, rational ways to get to a good decision. The capacity for me to make a good decision is there, but anxiety can send that whirling. Sometimes, this causes me to burst into tears, not because of sadness, but because of anxiety. From research I’ve done, the part of the brain that handles anxiety, the Amygdala, also deals with emotions. This means, when I’m experiencing anxiety on high, my emotions can be on high too. Again, feeding my anxiety and continuing to create a horrible cycle I can’t seem to break free of.

Once the worries and ‘what-ifs’ launch into action, it can make the need for reassurance become a necessity. The reassurance I crave can be about anything – how I feel, how others feel, whether the plans make sense, whether I’ll get there on time, whether I’m making the right choices or if I’ve forgotten something…and on and on it goes. It becomes my obsession and I can’t let it go! I find, the more go-with-the-flow type people find this confusing and even excessive or controlling. But for me, having as much details as soon as possible can be the greatest defense against anxiety joining the party when it’s not invited or wanted. The details MIGHT help cut down the worries and ‘what-ifs’ before they’ve had a chance to really start. The need for me to clarify plans or fill in or change some of the details isn’t about needing to control anything: it’s about trying to stop anxiety from controlling me!

Some of my famous ‘what-ifs’ are: What if I make a mistake? What if I say or do something stupid? What if everyone has a bad time? What if this headache is something more? What if I can’t do it anymore? What if I’m being too needy by asking for help? What if something bad happens to [insert name here]? What if I’m not enough for my kids? What if I can’t keep up on laundry, cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, etc.? What if I’m a burden on [insert name here]? What if I am criticized or judged for [x,y,z]? What if I fail? What if I fall short of their expectation? What if I can’t keep up? What if I am seen as needy or controlling? … You get the idea I’m sure. Please remember, that these thoughts might seem irrational to you, but for me, they feel very real. Telling me to ‘stop worrying’ works about as well as telling someone to ‘stop breathing’.

Instead, acknowledge the worry. Try understanding, reassuring, or suggesting a limit on whatever the safety behaviours are, whether it’s checking, asking, washing, etc. This is just one way to show that you’re on my team and help bring a sense of calm back. Your acknowledgment, understanding and reassurance might be needed more than you deem necessary for any given interaction, but you are helping to soothe my anxiety back to manageable enough.

I have anxiety! I am also one of the strongest, most emotionally generous, intelligent, creative, funny, warm and wise people you will meet. Anxiety isn’t my failure, disease, weakness or deficiency. It’s just a part of me! A part of being a human actually. We all have things that we struggle with and in the end, they are the things that will make us braver, wiser, stronger, and more compassionate. It’s just the way you look at it.