The Tides Will Change Part 3

I talked on the phone with him for a long time that night. We decided to go to counselling. We decided to work on things, but I just couldn’t move back in with him. I didn’t trust him. I couldn’t trust him even if I tried. I was being told different things. I wanted to believe him, but something inside of me said I couldn’t. After 2 marriage counselling sessions, he cancelled them all. He had made his decision and it wasn’t the kids and me. He decided this other woman was more important, even though he told me he was no longer seeing her. I would find out later, he already had her moved into our place.

During this time, I was talking to a friend and she told me to go to a support group called When Love Hurts. She explained it was for women who are abused and in similar situations to me. I had no intension of going…I wasn’t abused. Oddly enough, I found myself reluctantly walking through the doors of the church in New Westminster a few months later. I sat in the room, listening to the stories of the women there. I couldn’t believe how similar their stories were to mine. When my turn came to share and introduce myself I cried. The reality of what was happening and what had happened to me hit like a ton of bricks. I’m not even sure anyone in the room could understand anything I said. All I knew, was that I needed to be there. I needed to share. To not feel alone anymore. I needed to educate myself on what I had experienced. This was the start of my healing.

At these meetings, I learned that abuse doesn’t only cover physical abuse. There is financial, emotional, spiritual, sexual, verbal, psychological, intellectual, social, pets and property abuse and using the children as well. I realized that I experienced every form of abuse except physical while in this relationship. I learned that it’s not me: I’m not crazy. I learned about the cycle of abuse and the effects it has had on me. I learned to recognize it. I felt supported. I felt loved. I never felt judged, or like I was stupid for not knowing I was in this type of relationship. I learned the affects these situations have on my body and my mind.

While I was attending these meetings, I was also being medicated for severe anxiety and going to counselling sessions myself. My anxiety was so bad during this time, I was having panic attacks from seeing a certain type of vehicle or even just the thought of possibly running into him. I would have a panic attack when he was supposed to call and talk to the kids on the phone, whether he made the called or not. Honestly, I was having an attack when my phone would ring, or I’d receive a text message. It was so bad I had to have my parents attend visitations with me. My Dad also came to every court appearance with me as well. Over 2 years later, and I’m still medicated for anxiety. I’m still going to counselling and I’m learning coping techniques, but I still need the medication to make my anxiety manageable daily.

Shortly after I started attending the support group, I remember being on a skype call with my best friend…really, she’s more like a sister to me! I was crying and doubting everything. I was pouring my heart, fears and insecurities out to her. She told me to lay it at the foot of the cross. She said, yell, scream, cry…. God can handle anything I can throw at him. So that night I did. I cried, yelled…everything. I gave it all over. I laid it all at the foot of the cross and let Jesus take it on. At the end of this prayer, I felt so at peace. I even forgave my ex for everything. He’s never once owned up to any part he may have played in this, but I still forgive him. Don’t get me wrong, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And to this day, I must constantly remind myself I have truly forgiven and to let it rest. That night I slept the best I ever have.

Currently, I’m still dealing with court applications and awaiting the approval of my divorce papers. It’s been a long hall, but I know God has taken care of the kids and I thus far and will continue to do so. I’m learning how to trust again. Not just men, but everyone and especially myself. I’ve grown so much as a person through all this. I’m happier than I have ever been in my life. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for me. I can’t wait to see how this all turns out!!

If you have any questions or comments about what I have written, PLEASE send me a message. I am an open book and I am here to love and support you however I can!!!

I feel like I need to put a disclaimer in here: I in no way want to bash, be malicious towards my ex or change people’s opinions of him. I only want to share the struggles of my life.