I will WIN

Of course, on the night I said I was going to write another post, my daughter is refusing to sleep. I have no clue what is going on with her tonight. She just wants me to sit in the room with her, while she goofs off and sings the Batman theme song from 1966 and kicks me in the face. I was up with her for over an hour doing this, with no end in sight. So, I opted for giving her a kiss, saying good night and walking out the door. Well, if you know my daughter, that didn’t go over very well. She has been banging the door and screaming at me for the past half an hour. Don’t worry, I’ve been going in every 5-10 minutes to put her back into bed, tuck her in and tell her it’s bedtime. Then after almost an hour of that, I said screw it! And I crawled into bed with her!! Sometimes you do what you need to survive.

In case no one ever told you, parenthood is exhausting!!

Anyway, life is crazy and unpredictable. It's not always what we expect or wish for. But even amidst the stress and chaos, there is beauty in family!!! I have been blessed with a very loving and supportive family! I have Aunts, Uncles and Cousins all over the USA! We don't get to see each other often, but yesterday we were able to meet up. It was exactly what I needed during what I’ve been dealing with. I needed to be around people who know me and don't judge me!!! People who understand what I'm going through and even if they don't, it doesn't matter because they are there. I love how even though it feels like we are strangers at first. Within minutes of being together it's as if we've seen each other everyday of our lives. Which in a sense we have thanks to Facebook. I only wish it could have been my entire family. All my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. But I will take what I can get!!! For me, being with family is healing!! It allows me to be me and not worry about anything else. It allows me to figure me out as well. I'm still trying to figure out who I am since losing myself. This journey/process of finding myself and my confidence is the hardest thing I've ever done. Just when I'm starting to make strides and start running full steam ahead, something knocks me down. Something or someone sends me right back to self-doubt, constant questions and insecurities. I know what I must do, and I know I'm trapped in a cycle. But knowing it and believing you can break it are very different. I guess I'm just not at a place where I am strong enough to break the cycle or stop it when I see it coming. At least I'm able to recognize the cycle though. Now I just must truly believe I am enough and I'll be able to start breaking down that horrible cycle. It won't run my life anymore. It won't win!

Here is a little back story to all the stress and crap I’ve been dealing with over the past couple of weeks. Let me set it up for you. Naomi woke up last week throwing up. She was finally starting to feel better. I was back logged on laundry already, and now I have vomit blankets and clothes to deal with too. Fun times!!!! Anyway, I started plugging away at the vomit laundry because really who wants that smell in their house longer than necessary. Laundry was started, and breakfast was served. Naomi kept it down and seemed to be in better spirits with each minute that went by! Thank God for Peppermint Essential Oils. If you haven't used it...I highly recommend it!!! Anyway, after breakfast I made myself some tea and got out the homeschool books. It was rough, but I managed to get Paul through his 20 minute reading lesson before he had a break. After break, came lunch. After lunch, came reading together. Each child picked 2 books and we sat together reading it. Paul got bored after the first book and went upstairs to play Lego. After we were done reading, we decided to build a space station with the Lego. That's when it happened...that phone call you never ever think you'll get! Well I got that phone call. I answer all cheerily, because I'm playing with my kids, so why wouldn’t I be. On the other end I hear in an authoritative tone, "Is this Ashley?" Now I'm feeling cautious...."yes" I say. "This is the ministry of children and family! Are you familiar with our services?" By this time, I'm speechless. Why are they calling me?! "Sort of" I respond. The voice on the other end continues, "You have a child with a disability, so you're familiar with one branch. I however am not from that branch, I am calling from the child protection branch!" My heart is on fire as I try to hold back tears because my kids are right here with me. "Okay" I say. Unsure if the person on the other end can even hear me. "We have received a complaint," the voice continues as if she hasn't just delivered my biggest nightmares to me on a silver platter. "I would like to do a home visit and talk to each of your children. When are you available?" At this point, I don't even know what to say. I'm completely crushed, confused, hurt and yes...angry. It feels like everything I've worked so hard to do since leaving my ex comes barreling back in. "Umm...can I ask what this is regarding?" I manage to just make out the words in a whisper. The voice on the other end continued with the allegations brought against me. By this time, I'm shaking, and I feel the tears welling up! Stay strong, you haven't done anything wrong! It’s all lies. I try to replay this over and over in my head, while the date and time for this visit are set. The conversation is over. I put the phone down. I'm having such a hard time holding it together in front of the kids. The kids notice this all to well. "Who was on the phone mama?" I dreaded this question. Should I lie? Should I tell them? I just don't know what to do. My mind is racing. Before I can even decide what to do I'm saying, "it was the Ministry of Children and Families." "Those are the people who took our friend away right?" "Yes" I answer, still in a daze. "I don't want them to take me away too!!" To which I respond, “Oh Baby, they won’t take you away! Don’t worry!” I’m pretty sure this falls on deaf ears at this point. Now all the kids are crying and saying they love me and they don't want to live without me! Thanks so much!!! Not only did this call set me back in my healing from past life crap. But it also set my kids back to were they are terrified to lose me again!!! Since this phone call I can't stop thinking. I thought I was doing a good job. I thought I was being a responsible parent who was taking great care of the kids. I thought I had it all together. Now this slap in the face has made me doubt about my parenting ability. I guess I don't have it together and I'm not doing good enough.

And if things couldn’t get anymore stressful, I was served with court papers the day after this terrible phone call. My world seemed to be falling around me!!! I made an appointment with my counsellor for the next day!

So obviously time has passed, and it’s been a week since all this happened. I’ve had the home visit and no further action will be taken in the matter. It’s a good thing Paul has a social worker with the Ministry already, because she said she had absolutely no concerns when it came to me. So that really helped put my mind at ease. I know I shouldn’t’ have been as stressed out and anxious as I was, because all the allegations were lies! But it’s funny how lies can cause you the biggest anxiety and fear. What if they aren’t seen as lies? What if they are true and you’ve been lying to yourself and just didn’t realize it? Yes, these were all things running through my mind at a million miles a minute. There has been no relief what so ever until this point. This point, when I know lies cannot win. I will not throw in the towel. I have fought too long for these kids and the life I am now living to let LIES bring me down.

Motherhood is hard at the best of times. Don’t make it harder on yourself by doubting your abilities. Don’t let lies and fear bring you down. You are enough! You are a damn good mother!!! You are not perfect, but you are not required to be! You must do your best! Ask for help when you need it! Always look out for the best interests of your children! And most importantly, always take care of you! Self care isn’t selfish! Self care is a necessity! If you aren’t taking care of you, then you can’t be at your best. If you aren’t at your best, how are you expecting to be the best you can be for you children and family!? Always take care of you! Always make sure your bucket, and needs are met! Then you can pour into your children, family and others.

So, this is me! This has been my reality for the past few weeks. I’ve really struggled with whether to share this or not. It’s very personal and has hit many of my vulnerable areas in life. My biggest fears with sharing this is judgement and the repercussions of being so honest. Some people are out to hurt you no matter what. But I figured I’ve already been through hell. So, give it your best shot. Not only will I survive: I will win!!!