Parenting Life

Today is Father's Day! We have mixed feelings regarding today in my house. We love men like Papa, Gipa and Uncle A. But my kids struggle with abandonment, anger and sadness around their own father’s absence in their life. My oldest refuses to say 'Happy Father's Day' or even participate in any events labelled as such! It's a real struggle here. But I allow them to have their BIG feelings and I love them even more on hard days!! With that said, Life as a single parent is hard! Not just for me though. It's hard on my kids too. They are all fighting each other for my attention: one of me to three of them! They all crave the love and one on one time with me. And I find it beyond hard and exhausting to provide it to all of them equally. I mean I must do the job that ultimately 2 people do. I do my best. I'm never perfect.... but I am enough. I am good enough. And, that’s all the kids need: good enough. I have huge guilt though. I mean, am I screwing my kids up because they don't have a father in their life at all and I'm trying to make the best out of a shitty situation? Will Naomi have daddy issues? Will the boys know what a true husband and father looks like? I'm constantly terrified I'm not doing anything right. But I'm sure that's a common thing for parents. The constant worry if they are doing it right. I've been reading the book "the 5 love languages of children " and it totally hit me hard. I don't need to worry if I'm doing it right. All I need to do is shower them with Love, discipline and guidance when necessary. If my children know they are loved unconditionally, I've succeeded. These young years are hard. Especially when your kids have started praying for "the best step-dad" to come into their life. It's heart wrenching when you hear your 6 yr old say to his 2 yr old sister "you don't know what a Dada is. But we will have a step dad soon and then we'll have the best dad ever!" They don't really understand of course. I mean, my 6 yr old saw a homeless man on the side of the road and excitedly proclaimed to me "He can come home with us and be our step-dad!" Enter a not easy conversation around homelessness and step-parents pickiness. It's hard to have conversations like this with children. In the past 2 years, I've learned how to have tough conversations with my children. I hate having to do it. Even if it's age appropriate content and explanations, I feel like I'm stripping them of their childhood. The carefree childlike innocence of family, in the traditional sense. The one where they never have to worry about whether they are loved and valued. Something, I fear, they struggle with due to what they've experienced through their critical early learning years. Anyway, it all comes down to love. Today we celebrate Love! We allow ourselves grace and to have those big feelings! We spend time with family and each year that goes by, we heal a little more!! Single parenting is just once sense of the hardships I'm struggling with. Another one is that I'm raising a child with Autism. Raising children is hard enough in and of itself. But raising a child with Autism, puts you on a whole other level! Everything is run around the same routine and around the Autistic child. You're constantly trying to regulate behaviours, play referee, and teach social norms and expectations to a child who just doesn't get it. Having Autism as our super power is also the best experience in the world. It's crazy how your highs and lows can all be pitted within seconds of each other. Autism has taught me patience. Its taught me to see the beauty in the different, abstract, simple, and hard times. As I look at my son, I can't help but know he has taught me more than I'm even trying to teach him. He has an amazing heart. So much empathy and he truly wants everyone to be happy, healthy, loved and have a home to live in. He can see the beauty in things I would have never seen as beautiful, had he not stopped and took the time to show me!

Today has been a tough day, with the addition of added stress and anger. We managed. We survived. I just can’t wait until today is over, for the sake of my kids.