Long Time Coming

So, I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve stepped back into this world of blogging. I’ve made a few realizations in the last little while: 1) I need an outlet to vent and just process life, and 2) I won’t be bullied into submission anymore.

I live in constant fear of the what ifs. What if my ex finds out I have struggles? What if he tries to use that against me? What if the ministry gets called again? What if I don’t have the money to pay for x, y, z? And the list goes on and on. I know it seems strange that I have such strong fears that it affects my life in such a way. I mean it’s not like I see my ex or have any contact with him outside of court dates and lawyers. But the past has a way to staying with your body. The body remembers what the brain wants to forget. In other words, the body’s response to stressful situations and memories are hardwired. It’s hard work to make new pathways instead of having your body react the way it used to. When I get stressed out and overwhelmed, my body reacts the way it did when I was in danger. I don’t mean physical danger by any means. I mean psychological danger. Some of the time, I don’t even notice my body doing these things until it’s too late. I think the worst thing for me, is when I’m struggling most, that’s when my body reacts most. Those hard days have a tendency to bring me back to a place where I would freeze. Where I would be so worried about my abilities as a mother, that I couldn’t move forward. Those are the days I have his voice in my head telling me I can’t do it, I’m not enough and I’m a failure. Once that happens, I fall into a bad place. However, there is a positive to all this. I am more aware of this every day. Now this doesn’t mean I always catch it, but I am able to know what is happening and start the process of getting out of it. I have to always remind myself that yes, it’s been 3 years since I left. But it’ll take longer for my body to heal. I’ve done so well with moving forward and healing already. In fact, I think this is the reason I am so hard on myself when it happens. I mean, it’s been 3 years and I have no need to be bringing up the past, nor do I want to. But it was engrained in me to act a certain way and that will take a little longer for my body to heal from. It’s a process that’s for sure. But I’m moving forward and kicking butt while doing it.

With that said, I’ve decided to be straight forward and have a no-nonsense approach to my life now. The reality is, everyone struggles. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re doing: everyone struggles. The struggle looks different for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there and if anyone says they don’t struggle, it’s BS. Also, not everyone you meet is judging you. In fact, that shouldn’t even be a thought in your head. If you’re affecting someone so much as to always be on their minds, then congratulations. Either you’ve made a huge impression on them (hopefully good), or they need to get a life and move on. Either way, they shouldn’t be affecting your life. What they think, shouldn’t matter. The only thing that matters is you. Are you doing your best? Are you constantly moving forward? Are you trying to better yourself? If the answer is yes, then GOOD! Keep doing what you’re doing. No one actually knows what you’re dealing with unless they walk a mile in your shoes. And let’s be honest, for some of us, that isn’t even enough to get the slightest idea of what our lives are like. Basically, what I’m trying to say here is: Be proud. Be You. Be Strong! If there is one saying that has been helpful most lately it is this, “In a world where you can be anything, be yourself!” Be proud of who you are and how you got to where you are today!!

Anyway, on to bigger and better things. I’ve decided to go full on Keto. I have been going in and out of eating Keto for probably 8 months now. Well I’ve finally decided that my health is important. I want to get off my anxiety medication or at the very least, lower the dosage. I want to lose all this extra weight I’ve put on since being married and having children. But most importantly I want to feel good. I want to have energy and I want to show my kids how to be healthy. I’m excited for my new journey and to see where this will lead.

There is also possible business potential in some products that I am actually really loving right now. I’m struggling with whether to jump into that aspect of life right now, because I am not at all a sales person. But I want to better myself and my family by coming up with a way to work from home. I need to be at home with Paul, since he’s homeschooled, which makes working very difficult. I’ve done some calculations and child care just isn’t affordable, so that’s not an option. I’ve thought about going back to school to get a degree, but I’m struggling to know what to do and then again, the childcare issue comes up. I guess for now, I’ll keep researching and checking out my options and hope something comes up. I know what I want to do, however, I’m not sure how to do it. I would love to work with women who are healing or even in abusive relationships. To come alongside them and be there for them through whatever stage of life they are in. I’d love to go into high schools/collages and educate students on what abuse is and how to notice the signs of it before you are trying to escape it. Most people don’t even realize that physical contact doesn’t have to be made for it to be abuse. My whole idea falls around education as the key to lowering the numbers of individuals affected by abuse. If I knew what I know now, back then, things could have turned out very different!

Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. The things that have been on my heart and mind during the past few months since posting. Hopefully, this blog and my sharing can inspire or help someone. We all need each other for support and I just hope whoever reads these posts knows that regardless of what I may be going through, I am here to love and support you as well. Don’t be afraid to reach out to me! I’m always here to support my friends!!