Sometimes Life Isn't Fair

Sometimes life isn't fair. Okay, so more than sometimes. Lately, I've been struggling with this a whole lot. My dad has been in critical condition at VGH since last Thursday. It's been touch a go a few times already and we aren't expecting it to be an easy or quick recovery for him. It's been so hard because I can't be there with my mom and him everyday like I want to. I have 3 young children; I still have to be a mom too. It's so hard. I feel so torn between where I want and need to be. I also feel guilty regardless of where I am. It's just so hard to know what to do and what is best.

So for those who don't know what is going on: Last Thursday my dad went into Cardiac Arrest at work. My mom ended up doing CPR on him for 20 minutes until paramedics resuscitated him. My mom is the strongest woman I know. She went into action when she saw my dad laying on the ground. So back to my dad: He was taken to VGH in the cardia care unit. While he was there he suffered from 2 minor stroke before waking up (after 4 days), talking, responding and having the breathing tube removed. Then early on Tuesday morning he had a massive stroke and was put on sedation and back to being intubated again. He was then transferred to the ICU and continues to be in critical condition. My dad's massive stroke was on the left side of his brain and the CT scan showed it was affecting about 75% of it. My dad has no movement in his right side as of this moment and it will affect his speech. The doctors have absolutely no clue how he will be neurologically because he isn't really awake and thus, they can't do any real assessments. Basically, it's all day to day and minute to minute. He keeps going in and out of AFIB and is at huge risk for more strokes. The reality of his condition is beyond scary.

So this brings me to my main point: Life isn't fair. My dad is amazing. He is the kindest, gentlest, most God fearing man out there. He is strong but gentle; kind but compassionate; firm but fair. He is the only father figure my children have. He took on this role without even being asked because he knew how important it was to me and my children. He never asks for anything and will give you the shirt off his back. It just doesn't make sense to me why and how this could have happened.

I know I could kill myself trying to figure out the why and how. But sometimes you just want some kind of concrete answer. It's hard when you have no idea what the future holds. I pray hard multiple times a day and night that he will recovery and be my dad again. I fear the worst, but pray for the best outcomes. I know miracles happen and I pray for one everyday. Everyday, I process more and more and it become harder and harder. I become more and more emotional. I turn more and more to God for my strength. Hope anchors my soul. A hope I cling to regardless of what the doctors say because I know how strong my dad is. I know that he won't ever give up and stop fighting. I know he is weak, so I pray for strength, so he can fight another day. I also know God is my rock and I have faith He will provide the miracles we are asking for in His time.